Week -1

Sweet mother Mary and the little baby Jesus. I was reeeeally worrying about the Chinese visa and left it until last. It seems the force is strong in this one because it did indeed turn into a massive nightmare. I ended up about ten minutes away from my whole trip being a busted flush. I will update my visa page to do the detail when I have the final outcome but it's been nothing more than blind luck, countered by blind incompetence (on my part) that has led to this photo finish for visas. 

So I'm pretty much ready. Collected cash from the money guy in Tesco (every little helps and boy do they need the help at the mo). I know, not the best place to get it but my postal arrangements are complicated at the moment and I would have fallen foul of money laundering legislation. Not actual money laundering you understand, just the legislation to protect against money laundering.

Need to leave my car somewhere for 3 months. I'm obviously not going to shout about where on a public forum but there's surprisingly few places of relative safety left in the south of England to dump a car, with an even reasonable chance of it still being there in 13 weeks time. I think I've found a place (parents of a friend) but I do feel a little bit guilty for not having a better plan for that earlier. 

Went out for dinner last Friday night (I highly recommend The Mint Leaf in Haymarket for anyone interested). Not only did I manage to spill most of a peach Bellini all over myself but a full bottle of not inexpensive red left the table and a good tenners worth of Malbec created an instant Jackson Pollock around the ankles of nearby diners. The point is, if I can't be trusted to pour liquid from vessel into mouth from a distance of less than three feet without publically shaming myself, I fear for my chances of making it across Central Asia living off my guile, dexterity and wits alone. I'm thinking of asking my mother what she's doing for the next couple of months. Her special little solider clearly needs looking after. 

I'm starting to worry about the details now. This is probably a good thing. The big stuff must be taken care of if I'm now stressing over whether I need a head torch instead of a micro handheld one. I'm going to assume the answer to that won't make or break my trip. Should I take a sleeping bag liner in addition to a sleeping bag? Given that I don't really know what a sleeping bag liner is for (new invention since I last slept in a sleeping bag) probably not. What the hell, I'll take it. I can always dump it. Do I reeeeally need that D-ring? If I don't take it, I'll probably regret it.  

When I stop to think about it, there's not a lot of any real consequence that I'm leaving behind. Apart from my entry pass for work (I am honestly struggling to justify taking that) and my childhood stuffed bear, Panda (and I'm only not taking him on 'not macho' grounds), I'm carrying everything of any significance with me. Foolhardy you may say? Not really, I just don't own a lot. 

Week -2

I already love Turkmenistan. After the debacle with Uzbekistan and Azerbaijan visas, I wasn't holding out much hope for a swift resolution to the outstanding Turkmenistan visa question. Given that it is essentially a police state, I was rather gloomy about prospects of gaining a visa at all! 

After a quick trip to the embassy and 5 minutes with the very nice young lady handling applications in the absence of the consul, I was £50 lighter and had a promise of readiness within 24 hours. 24 hours later, visa approved and passport back in grubby mits. Lucky lucky little soldier that I am. Vive Le dictatorship. In the name of efficiency, I propose that all countries turn authoritarian (or constitutional monarchy of course). 

My social calendar has gone bonkers. I have a much larger social circle than I thought. I have already been out once this week and have plans for at least another social later this week. Crazy. 

Cash. The pound has fared very poorly against the dollar in the last few weeks. I've been waiting for a spectacular recovery but our American cousins refuse to collapse their economy just so I can get a better deal on the greenback. While frustrating on a personal level, I can appreciate there is a macro picture to consider. If anyone across the pond could just arrange a simple major crop failure, nothing devastating or long term you understand, just to help me out a bit, I'd be most grateful - although as I was less than generous about their mustard in my last post, I suspect I have a negative credit rating in that part of the world. 

Must remember not to offend entire nations, cultures or religions in future posts. Some peoples can be very sensitive. 

Bought a kindle as I've been worried about long train journeys with too little media support. Basic model, cheap (£59) but functional. If it gets lost or bust, no biggie. 

Chinese food. I forgot Chinese food in my list of things I'd miss. I don't mean the authentic Asian stuff that I love and will enjoy while on that part of my journey, I mean the home grown orangey stuff that satisfies late on a Saturday night and leaves an impossible to remove stain on anything it comes into contact with. I realise that this doesn't smell or taste the same as the truly authentic stuff but it is a part of my heritage and is as perfectly authentic as I need it to be. Stick steak and chips plus a Chinese somewhere in a weekend and you've got the basic ingredients of a great, if overindulgent short break from work. Oh, I might as well stick baked beans on the list while I'm at it. 

Week -3

Have been downloading this week. Bottom series 1-3, Blackadder (obviously), Yes Prime Minister, Jeeves and Wooster, Skyfall and a few apps. One, a picture collage thingy, Instagram (still not entirely sure how this benefits me), something for my new camera which allows me to operate it remotely which is really cool (so I can take a selfie of the person who will inevitably nick it mainly) and my bank app. Most of these have proven remarkably good value for money I have to say. 

I've started to compile a list of the things I'll miss and been gathering together a small bag of those items where practical. 

Marmite (tick. mini pots of umami goodness)

HP sauce (tick. sachets, in case I find a bacon roll on my travels)

Jam (tick. mini pots)

Mustard (tick. sachets, if the rest of the world can't do toilets properly, you can be sure they won't have discovered this fiery gem either) (apart from in France, where they produce a passable range) (and America, where they have no idea what they're doing but have managed to come up with a substitute that tastes good anyway).*

Decent bread (not practical on any level. Will leave behind)

Pork scratchings (tempting but again, I'll give it a miss)

Bacon (practicality issues again)

Cream tea (I HAVE to make that work somehow)

Tea bags (tick. It's taking up a lot of room but there's no way I'm missing a morning cuppa)

Worcester sauce (umami again. Doesn't come in handy sachets though. Will miss you!)

Fish fingers (tricky)

Vienetta (I'll have to take a picture and make do with that)

Cheese (meaning proper cheese. The way the good lord intended. Strong cheddar. Will be forced to make do without)

Tuc biscuits (ideally Tuc sandwich biscuits. I'm sure I'll have room for a packet)

Chocolate digestives (not a healthy option but they do go well with a cuppa. Will have to dunk the local alternative and risk over saturation, leading to a 'soggy drop'. I'm sure most of us have suffered the shame and embarrassment of that at some point.)

*Apologies to any international readers. 

I've been doing quite a bit of catching up with people over the past couple of weeks. I'm not entirely sure I'm built for a hectic social life. It's exhausting! I feel like I need a holiday before I go on holiday. Afternoon tea at Dukes was a particular treat this week. I will be actively seeking out similar establishments on the road. The occasional reminder of the finer things in life will prove most sustaining I suspect. 

I'm not talking about visas this week. It depresses me too much to think about it. 

Week -4

I haven't posted for a bit and thought it was about time I did. Also, I've been told by those who have signed up for email alerts that if I edit an existing post, the Blogger fairies don't alert them to the fact. Combine that with the knowledge that at least one of those followers can't be bothered to click on the web address to read from there occasionally and we have people (person) missing out. So here is a new post, mostly for them but also any other phenomenally lazy sods out there.

Quick update then; three and a half weeks to go and I have three and a half visas left to get. The Azerbaijanis are taking forever to consider my request and it's killing me time wise. I'm comtemplating catching a later flight although it will cost me. Even the express visa options (which I was secretly hoping might see me clear) are nearing 'flight of fancy' territory. If I don't get my passport back tomorrow, I'm dead in the water. 

While reviewing my emergency survival kit, I cut myself very badly while trying to open it. Once I'd finally opened it, I realised there was nothing in there to help with cuts. The whole experience was filled with a painful irony. My firstaid kit needs some work. In fact, I think my survival kit is basically ballast/dangerous. 

I did try on my backpack and other backpack (frontpack if you will). Felt pretty comfortable actually. But I genuinely do look like I'm off on campaign somewhere. I stick out about a foot to the rear and the same in front. So in profile, I look like an olive green pregnant hunchback. It also seems that I can't turn a corner without banging into stuff. I'll be every commuters delight while on the road I'm sure. 

Chinese airlines appear to change their schedule on a daily basis and then tell me about it mostly in Chinese (is that just Mandarin or are there other flavours of Chinese? I recall there are more but it doesn't really matter, I wouldn't know the difference anyway). All I see is a load of gibberish and then some times followed by some different times in an email. Well in several emails. Regularly. I'm sure it will be fine. 

I think I've finally found the correct headgear for the trip...